What do I Want


I worked all day on the puzzle you left me, determined to solve the mystery of your words “What do you want out of this relationship?” At first I couldn't figure it out. Were you giving me some kind of ultimatum? Where you planning on leaving, or where you just trying to plan our future?

The more I thought about it, the more the answer became clear. What I wanted from this relationship was support and understanding. I hadn't gotten any of that in months. When I told you I wanted to be a painter, you laughed. Said nobody would ever purchase my work. I wasn't asking you sell them for me, or even tell me that I was a good at it. I just needed you to say that I could do it. Instead you laughed in my face. I laughed with you, even if I was hurt on the inside. I never bought an easel, canvas or any paint. I just passed it off as a joking moment.

You've never tried to understand me. I would sit and eagerly listen about how your day was. You would never ask about how mine was. When I would be upset, you didn't care. You didn't try to understand why, even if I told you what the reason was. Sometimes it feels like we're speaking different languages. I can understand what you're saying, but you don't have any clue what I'm saying.

What I want out of this relationship is simple. I want a way out. I don't want to be here anymore. I used to rush home from work. Now I sit in the car trying to compose myself before I walk in my own home. I've become a prisoner of love. I just need the key to unlock the cell so I can find my way out. That probably isn't the answer you were expecting when you asked me. Still, that's what my brain landed on.

I know you'll try to convince me to stay like you've done before. This time, I have to go. I don't want to hurt you, but staying with you is hurting me more than it hurts you for me to leave. It sounds cliche, but once upon a time, I thought we were meant to be together forever. Live together, die together and all that. I wanted to marry you. Now, sometimes I don't want to look into your eyes. I've found myself shrinking just be next to you. That isn't what I want anymore. I'm sorry if it hurts, but I won't feel bad about it. I have to go, for my own health.

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