I awaken to the smell of hot cocoa in front of me. Damnit, the first thought that comes to my mind as I awake. I've fallen asleep again trying to study again. I've been working a full schedule, and my neighbors have a new baby. I haven't been able to sleep well at night and all my free time is spent trying to prepare for my finals. This semester has been hell, but it's my last. I'm already graduating late.
"Go back to sleep baby girl," dad calls from the couch.
"I need to finish this."
"You need to rest."
"If I fail this test, I might not graduate."
"Then just do another semester. If you kill yourself from exhaustion there's no point in graduating."
Dad just leaves the couch and heads to another room. I hate when he does that. Once he's tired of an argument, he just finds somewhere else to be. It's not a bad trait, it keeps him from taking things too far. I just hate when he does it to me.
My entire future could be riding on this next test, and I can't seem to remember anything I've worked so hard to learn. He's worked so hard to take care of me since momma passed, and now I'm afraid of letting him down. Can I be an architect? Can I be a teacher? I don't know what the future holds anymore. I used to dream of all the things that I could do once I finished school. Now those dreams no longer come to me. I'm uncertain of what tomorrow holds. I've never been so unsure of myself. Is this the transition to adulthood?
Losing the ability to dream of future possibilities because we're handicapped with responsibilities? Do we become paralyzed by the future, because we can only see what is in front of us at this very moment? The baby cries again. My train of thought is lost to the night, never to be found again as it vanishes to the unknown.
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Awaken From The Unknowing - Charles White 1961
